Everything changes over time. Human perspective being the first. Are we the same person that was a few years ago? Most hurried response from anyone would be, ‘No, I haven’t changed’, yet with a little introspection that answer is often a lie. Everyday incidents that alter you in the minuscule but yet life-altering are common. Major events that change you and how you view the world around you in a fundamental level may be rare but everyone goes through a few of them in their life. Some of them for the better while others for the worse.
In my early years, which were not easy but in retrospect were easy, I had strong feelings towards some concepts or aspects of life. Suicide, for example. I was a major proponent against suicide. I am a strong believer of ‘What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger’. When I was younger, I only understood what it means on the surface level, that most adversity you face in life are opportunities that you can use to become stronger.
As the world grew with me, so did my perspective. After years of being not appreciated, not accepted and not valued, I retracted myself from being available to everyone in my life except a select few. This is when I truly understood what I meant to everyone else; useful under their terms. The moment you set your own terms; you are rude, disrespectful & not important. Discarded like a waste pile of paper.
I still believed this made me stronger because I was able to depend only on myself to be happy. I stopped asking for help from anyone. I did what I was able to do to which most people in my life weren’t fans of. There are a couple of moments in my life where I gave in to others’ interests and this is where things got interesting. You can see and understand the true colors of people in times of adversity and challenge. I have been going through one such time for a few years now and I understand why some people choose suicide than pushing through.
Life is not full of rainbows and unicorns, I understood that when I was really young. As an adult, I felt the true weight of that sentence. For a few minutes or even seconds for the rainbow to appear, there are a lot of variables that need to be just right. I also started understanding the hidden meaning of, ‘what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger’. It makes you stronger, only if it doesn’t kill you. But then, there several forms of death in addition to the physical death everyone knows about.
Physical death is definite, no greys, only black or white. When someone you know and love is dead, you know they are gone with absolute certainty. This, at least releases you from the burden of what you can expect, even though you still need to deal with what was lost and all the what ifs, which becomes easy after a certain time due to the certainty it holds. The other forms of death are not so easy to accept and not so easy to deal with. They still have all the expectations that you need to deal with. While physical death makes you appreciate life more, the other forms of death makes you wary of it.
Once in life, I shut down emotionally to keep me safe from all the pain and a person broke through it. When you feel unwanted and underappreciated, even a single compliment feels like the whole world. And when someone likes you and makes you a priority in their life, you feel that you would do anything for them in life. You want more for them than what you need. This is when I came to an understanding that being blind from birth is easier than becoming blind after you had sufficient time to take in the beauty of the world at its best. Instead of being used to it, you need to learn to live with what you lost.
After multiple betrayals by the very same person that made me felt wanted and appreciated, the pain when I shutdown before feels extremely small compared to what I felt this time. It may be easy to slow down a flood but hard to shut it down abruptly. Walking away is never easy in these kinds of situations. You might make it look easy but the internal torment you go through before and after is difficult to put into words. You need something to distract you every waking moment of your miserable life. God forbid, you have a moment alone to think and your mind wanders alone in endless streams of eternal thoughts. Intrusive thoughts take over every moment your mind can spare. These thoughts take several shapes and sizes, to varying degrees of harming others and self-harm.
I should just make their life miserable. Or I could let the world know what they did. A terrible person deserves terrible actions in return, they deserve it. Should I be a terrible person because they were? Should I become the worst version of myself because someone else was? I need to become a better version of myself. My mind wanders to everything and nothing at once and I can’t focus on anything. I should smile often so others don’t know that I’m hurting. I feel like my heart will explode every time I smile falsely. That loving couple looked so happy and cute. I wish they stay that way forever. Isn’t this the same thing that person did to us? Will these couple end up like we are now? I don’t have time for this. Let me drive a little bit faster. I’ll do this risky overtake. Let me live my life to the fullest. I’ll start going out more often. Let me enjoy the view from the balcony. A little step over and everything will end quick. I should start visiting places and people. A slight right and the truck will never see me coming and this will all be over soon. Only mistake I did was to care and that doesn’t deserve this. I will overcome this. I just need time. I don’t think time can ever fix this. Living feels lonely. Let me cook something for myself. Cutting vegetables feels cathartic. That knife feels good in my hand. I wonder how it will feel in my wrist. Or my neck. I will not cry, I’ll never let anyone see me cry. My body knows that I’m hurting and it’s taking some pain onto itself. I’m thankful but it hurts just to move. I don’t have anyone to listen to me pouring my heart out. I’ll be the listening ears and resting shoulders for anyone that needs it. No one will go out of their way to help me. I will go out of my way to help others. This road feels familiar but the path is filled with broken shards, and every step takes all the willpower I have in me. I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this.
I wanted to write about what I was feeling for more than six months and I couldn’t bring upon the courage to put it into words. I wish I was in a ‘Saw’ movie and my heart was cut out so I can finally feel peace. After stopping myself twice before going through with it, I’m still here, fighting through life. I still do not believe suicide fixes anything but I can feel the strange appeal it provides. One decision that you can take that will not affect or damage your morality while still providing you an easy out to all the pain and suffering you have gone through alone. There is a reason why we are called social creatures.
When everything is stacked against you, you feel the weight of the world. We are humans, not gods, to bear the weight of the world alone. Even gods, need help sometimes. For now, I survive. Let’s see what the future holds, if there is one.
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